The (unofficial) Goldman Sachs guide to being a man

Take some of these points with a pinch of salt, but most are a requirement to being a modern day gent.

January 10, 2016

Goldman Sachs has long been a name associated with wealth, power and controversy. The global investment bank has even become known as a breeding ground for future government positions. 

But over the last few years, it was a comical Twitter account - @GSElevator - detailing the conversations overheard in the bank’s elevator that gave it prominence on new age social media.

The man behind that account, John LeFevre, has been busy since his highly amusing tweets became popular, writing a book aptly named Straight To Hell, and has now put together this unofficial Goldman Sachs guide to being a man.

You can take some with a pinch of salt, a few with a hint of doubt, but most you should take with the utmost gravity. 

- Stop talking about where you went to college.

- Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.

- Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.

- It’s ok to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.

- Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.

- You will regret your tattoos.

- Never date an ex of your friend.

- Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.

- If riding the bus doesn’t incentivise you to improve your station in life, nothing will.

- Time is too short to do your own laundry.

- When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.

- If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.

- Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.

- When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.

- People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.

- When in doubt, always kiss the girl.

- Tip more than you should.

- You probably use your mobile phone too often and at the wrong moments.

- Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.

- Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.

- Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home.

- Be a regular at more than one bar.

- Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.

- A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

- Learn how to fly-fish.

- No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.

- Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.

- There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.

- You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.

- Ask for a salad instead of fries.

- Don’t split a check.

- Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.

- When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.

- Be spontaneous.

- Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.

- Piercings are liabilities in fights.

- Do not use an electric razor.

- Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.

- Buy a tuxedo before you are 30. Stay that size.

- One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.

- #StopItWithTheHastags

- Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.

- Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.

- Measure yourself only against your previous self.

- Take more pictures. With a camera.

- Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.

- Your clothes do not match. They go together.

- Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.

- Staying angry is a waste of energy.

- If she expects the person you are 20 per cent of the time 100 per cent of the time, then she doesn’t want you.

- Always bring a bottle of something to the party.

- Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.

- If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.

- Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.

- If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.

- You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.

- If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.

- No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.

- Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.

- Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.

- Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party — provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”

- Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.

- Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”

- Don’t gamble if losing $US100 is going to piss you off.

- Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”